How to find focus: In an Out of Focus World

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had, or I’ve been in the middle of something and just thought Squirrel! It’s an indicator of my brain having gone off track. Try to keep a dog on task when it sees a squirrel and you’ll understand what Squirrel brain is!

I have done a lot of research and work with myself and clients on how to find focus. It is something we are required to do for forty hours a week, and yet we struggle.

One of the key things I’ve learned is that being able to focus has nothing to do with willpower. First off, we live in a world that has been built to pull our focus elsewhere, and secondly, we’ve been taught that multi-tasking is good. News flash-it isn’t.

So what are you supposed to do? Well, you can come to my free webinar FIND YOUR FOCUS IN AN OUT OF FOCUS WORLD on September 15th from 6-6:45PM Central on Zoom.

If you’ve struggled with keeping your mind focused on the task at hand, then this workshop is for you? The good news is our brain is super resilient and can learn new ways of doing things. So, come join us at Finding Your Focus on September 15th at 6PM Central time.

I leave the house…sometimes

Water is my happy place-I’m a Cancer and we are water lovers. Just looking at this picture makes me relax! I went to an amazing nature and journaling event (if you are in Chicago you can check it out here) and I realized that even though I have access to some amazing parks and a whole freaking lake, I haven’t been venturing out as much as I want to.

I’m a bit of an introvert, so home is my happy place, but then you add in a pandemic and I’ll gladly not ever leave the house again. Yet, that isn’t a healthy way for me to live. I was grateful for the reminder to get out and just sit by the water, hear the birds chirping and the wind whispering through the cottonwood trees.

Being in nature goes beyond exercise, it’s a place of rest and restoration for my mind and my body. I’m going to plan some mini-adventures for myself this summer. I’m also excited because I am moving soon to a place where I will be .3 miles from my door to the lake edge (I mapped it out!) and I will be able to sit and enjoy the water year round.

Where’s your happy place?

Ways to Move Towards Body Neutrality

Photo by Monika Kozub on Unsplash

Trying to love your body is super hard. It is especially difficult to do if you are moving from a place of shame or hatred of your body. I struggle with being present and existing in my body, partly because I struggle with the size of my body, but also because I have chronic pain. Being in my body and loving my body is so hard. 

The Body Positivity movement was initially about fighting against the stigma and shame of having a fat body. It carved out a space for fat bodies, and for people of color, who were often not allowed into spaces that advocated for fat bodies, to share their experience and also their joy for their body. 

Yet, like so many things, Body Positivity has been coopted and commercialized. That’s a whole other blog post, but I did want to give a little context for where Body Neutrality came from. And, as I mentioned, it is hard to love on a body that has had so much abuse from society, and internal anger, heaped upon it. 

Which is why I now focus on Body Neutrality. Body Neutrality is about meeting your body where it is and accepting what it can do for you. It focuses more on being present and in your body, instead of looking in a mirror and trying to convince yourself that you love your body. 

I’ve found myself able to accept my body as it is and work on being present in my body. It feels much more accessible to me. I wanted to share my experience with Body Neutrality in a free webinar I am hosting on Friday, June 3rd at 12PM Central time. If you can’t make it at that time, please still register because I will be sending out a replay. 

I will be covering how systems of oppression have impacted different bodies (this includes fat and disabled), talk more about what body neutrality is, give actionable steps to lead you on your path and we will work together to map out a plan. 

I hope to see you there. 

Meditate on the body

Many of you probably clicked away saying ‘oh heck no’! If you are still here, then congratulate yourself for your bravery.

How often do you just pause and notice your body. We go through our days pretty disconnected from our body. We don’t always connect with our body until it sends up a flare saying- “hello there!! I’m in pain”. I think that if we were to do a more frequent body scan we could give our body what it needs. Either a break from the computer, some stretching or maybe a walk.

This can be a very simple exercise. If you are in a public space you can do this with your eyes open. Close your eyes if you feel comfortable, if you are sitting feel the weight of your body sinking into the chair, or if you are standing sometimes a light sway can feel good. Now scan your body from top to bottom. Notice if there are any places that pinch or grumble and breath into them. If it is what your body desires, take three deep belly breaths, or if not just continue to breath normally. Open your eyes if they were closed and move on.

One of the challenges with body image issues is that we are so disconnected with our bodies. In order to get to a point where we accept our bodies, body neutrality, or can begin to love our bodies, we need to be connected to them.

Give your body a little attention each and every day.

how to manage those body image thoughts

Photo credit Dorey Kronick Photography

I love that picture. I was doing the wonder woman pose and feeling positive and laughing. Yet, when I first saw the picture all I could think about is how my body looked. It took me a little bit to recognize how happy and gorgeous I look in that picture and gather up the courage to share it with the world.

If you were to count how many times in a day you have a negative thought about your body or how you look it would probably be astounding. It’s almost shocking how poorly we treat ourselves. I should have just had joy upon seeing the picture my amazing friend Dorey Kronick shot, but instead I criticized myself.

If you like things in video format, here’s an instagram reel I made, or you can read on for more.

One of the first steps to combat those negative body image thoughts is to recognize them. It’s like seeing a fly buzzing around in your brain- oh I see you (I’m currently watching Dickinson on Apple tv, so a little poetic imagery there for you). Watching your thoughts can be extremely powerful because we finally capture how many of those bad thoughts are going through our brain and can now work to reframe them.

The next step is to see is this my thought or is this society’s expectation that I have internalized. There are some extreme societal pressures that exist on many levels but fat-phobia and fat-shaming are pretty epic. In a way it’s a little easier to dismiss those external thoughts. The challenge is we have internalized so many of those beliefs and need to then start working on body neutrality or body acceptance.

The reality is that this is not easy work. I’ve been doing it for some time and still slip into those old thoughts too easily. I credit working with a coach for helping me see that there are other possibilities and other ways to treat and talk to myself. If you are interested in examining those thoughts you can set up a free consultation with me.

While I struggle with body image due to my weight another challenging area, especially when our society is so hyper focused on ability and beauty, are scars or physical disabilities. I wore a skirt, for the first time in forever, to work the other day and a coworker said “OMG what happened to your leg”. I have some pretty odd looking scars where an external fixator attached to my leg after I shattered my fibula and tibia in a car accident twenty years ago. Plus some pretty rough scars around my ankle from where the bone popped out. When she asked the question I had no shame around it, because I was used to it and it is now just a part of who I am. Although, after my car accident I refused to wear skirts or shorts for years. I was so hyper conscious of the scars and I felt disfigured.

It took many years for me to accept those scars of a part of who I was and my life story. I was lucky that they were able to save my leg, but I do have limited mobility and sometimes it is hard to accept this is the body I am in. At the end of the day I am healthy, happy and able to enjoy life, so I’ll take it.

What it means to fear being seen and how to overcome it

Photography by Dorey Kronick

Not to do a bait and switch, but I am not going to answer the question “How to Overcome the Fear of Being Seen” today. Instead I am going to be addressing that question over the next month through blog posts and instagram posts and I hope you will follow along.

There are many reasons why someone may struggle with the fear of being seen. It may be due to disability, body size or body dysmorphia (this can go in both directions: being too thing or being too fat), race, gender, shyness, being an introvert, or being seen as too much or too little. We all have reasons for sometimes wanting to fly below the radar and not put ourselves out into the world.

I have struggled with this in some form my whole life. In my teens and twenties I was painfully shy and extra introverted. Then in my late twenties I was in a car accident that left some pretty gnarly scars on my leg and I refused to wear skirts or dresses for years. I’ve gained and lost more pounds then I can count and often my weight has been a reason why I limited myself from doing things like dating, traveling or going to events. Not liking how my body looked meant that I didn’t want pictures taken of me or I didn’t want to snap a selfie and post it to instagram.

Unfortunately I have had instances that affirm my belief that I shouldn’t be seen. I was once wearing workout clothes and sneakers and going for a walk and someone drove by in their truck and shouted “Move your fat ass!’ I once showed up for a date and we ordered a beer and the guy pretty much slammed it and said goodbye. I wasn’t what he was looking for. Keep in mind we had already had a phone conversation and it wasn’t who I was that he didn’t like. It was the package.

I let those things keep me bottled up for years. It affected my ability to walk outside the house. It made me avoid dating because I just assumed no one would want me because of who I looked like. I wouldn’t wear certain clothes because ‘gasp’ they showed my fat arms. Keep in mind that I move through the world protected and privileged by the color of my skin.

It has taken a bit of therapy and a fabulous life coach to help me reframe my thoughts. That is not to say I am completely healed. I still struggle. In fact, that picture above was caught by my dear friend Dorey Kronick, who I trust, and is an amazing photographer. I look radiant in that picture and I have a genuine smile, and yet, I noticed that you can see my stomach in that picture. I have a little ways to go too.

Beyond therapy and coaching I have read and followed some amazing people who talk about their journey and that I have learned from. I have taken some wonderful courses that helped me get to a place where I can start showing up authentically as myself.

This month I’m going to share my journey and I hope that it helps you be seen in whatever way you want to be so you can show up fully, brilliantly, beautifully and authentically as yourself.

What Astrology Gets Right

I just finished reading Chani Nicholas’ book You Were Born for This and I highly recommend it because it made reading your birth chart extremely accessible. I’ve tried in the past and I didn’t make it past the first astrology sign!

I use astrology or tarot cards as a way to deepen my understanding of myself and to see how ‘me being me’ influences my present and my future. I also find drawing a tarot card and using it as a journal prompt to be really helpful. I end up going down paths I couldn’t have imagined.

When people sign up to coach with me I send a questionnaire and one of my questions is “What is your level of belief in ‘woo’?” I am not an expert by any means, but I am learning more and more each day about tarot, astrology and crystals. For me, it’s about learning how to tap into my own inner wisdom, as well as the Universe (or God if you so desire).

This is a very broad overview of what I learned and I’m still processing a lot of it. In summary my birth chart (the date and time I was born and where I was born all feed into it) is:

• Sun in Cancer

• Moon in Leo

• Rising Sign is Cancer

• Ascendent Ruler is the Moon

So, what does that mean. First off it proves my friend Doug right who once said to me, “You are SUCH a Cancer.” I am, I really am. Here are some of the positives:

• I sense what others need to see and hear and I offer support.

• I am very good at communication and I relate to people in ways that can be transformative.

• I have a strong sense of style (this one is true, but due to being fat I don’t often exhibit it. I’m doing a whole series on this next month).

• I express myself creatively and take inspiration from creation. In other words crafting feeds my soul.

• I am very good at creating space to/and form strong bonds with people.

• Cancer holds memory, ancestry and history.

• I like to feed people. Well, I like to nurture them, but that is usually through food so…

Basically I’m a nurturer and I like to plumb the depths of emotions—mine, and others.

If you know me, you are going to laugh at some of these negative attributes:

• Since I feel so deeply I can be moody and emotional.

• People sometimes see me as distant (crab in their shell).

• I can be judgmental.

• I often feel guilty or uncomfortable receiving praise.

• I am emotionally defensive.

Overall it helped me to really accept and relish who I am as a person, even if I can be a little prickly sometimes. As far as how it influences my present or my future, it really made me see that I am on the right path. All of those positive attributes are ones that I roll into my life coaching practice daily. It really made me feel like I am on the right path. Although I may need to come out of my shell a little bit more.

Have you ever looked into your natal or birth chart? What did you find?

The Best Personality Quizzes. Who are you?

Photo by Nguyen Dang Hoang Nhu on Unsplash

I have had a few aha moments in my life when I stumbled across something that made me have a deeper understanding of myself. One was the book Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking, which made me understand that I was an introvert and I was ok! Another was the book Highly Sensitive Person: how to thrive when the world overwhelms you. I’m a pretty empathetic person, which means I pick up and sometimes take on other peoples feelings as my own. It makes me an amazing coach because I can sense what you are feeling, but I have to have boundaries and not take on other peoples emotions. I also get overwhelmed sometimes in crowded or noisy places. It’s just too much stimuli. Growing up the world told me “You’re Too Sensitive” and then being able to own it and realize I’m ok as I am, well, that’s huge! If you are not an overly sensitive introvert, then read on, there are quizzes for you!

I love taking quizzes! Give me a buzzfeed quiz any day, but I’m not sure if knowing ‘Which French Dessert I Am Most Like’ will help me understand myself better, but I do have a few quizzes that can.

First up is The Four Tendencies quiz by Gretchen Rubin. I love this one because it helped me see what motivates me and what I need to set goals and meet them. I’m totally an Obliger. It also helps you understand other people. My friend Sheska and I were accountability partners and as an obliger I need help staying accountable, but Sheska is more of a Rebel and she wants to be able to report back what she accomplished. If I try to hold her accountable, she will push back and even if it is self-sabotaging, she won’t get it done.

Another fabulous quiz is the Sparketype by Jonathan Fields. What I love about this quiz is that you have a Primary and Shadow Sparketype. The shadow is the work you do well that is usually in support of the Primary. Plus you get your anti-Sparketype, which is the thing you are not good at. When you take the quiz you get a really great email with all the information. You don’t have to read the book Sparked, but it does have some helpful info. I am a Maven, which someone who pursues and has a love of knowledge, which I kind of knew. My shadow is the Essentialist, which is someone who is focused on processes and procedure. I knew I was good at this stuff, but to see it laid out was really helpful. My anti was the Performer, and while I do love to share knowledge and will get up on stage and give an amazing talk, I am not good at dissembling, or being able to hide my true thoughts and feelings.

My final quiz is a little different and is focused more on how do you take care of yourself. The Take Care Assessment from Inner Workout really takes into account who you are to give you a personalized profile on how to practice self care. My assessment really honed in on where I was neglecting myself and gave me some ideas to improve my well being.

If you take any of the quizzes let me know your results!

7 ways to stay ok even when the world is on fire

There is a lot happening in the news lately. Then again there has been a lot happening in the news for a few years. The world has been struggling through a pandemic and now the threat of war and we are all feeling worn down. The problems seem so huge and insurmountable that they make us feel helpless.

Yet, we get up every day, send the kids off to school, go to work and keep on living, even through the anxiety. Instead of feeling stressed, anxious and exhausted from the daily news, what if you could feel just a little bit better?

1. Limit your social media and news intake. This is hard for some people because they want to be an informed citizen of the world, which is great, but not at the cost of their mental health.

2. Make sure your news source is informative and not inflammatory. Twitter may not be the best source for your news for that reason.

3. Check who you are following on social media. If they aren’t adding positive value to your life then stop following them. Add some uplifting and positive accounts to the mix.

4. Make sure you are staying connected with friends, family or your family of choice. Isolating makes this feeling even more overwhelming.

5. Make a small contribution of either time or money to an organization that resonates with you.

6. Read this article “The news ≠ your life” by Oliver Burkeman

7. Be gentle with yourself. It’s sometimes hard to focus and move forward when the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Take gentle care of yourself.

If you need more support please reach out to me for a free coaching call. We all need a little extra help these days.

Thinking of the Future

I could never have imagined the life that I have now. Living on my own in Chicago in a beautiful sun filled apartment. I have friends and an amazing community of people. And yet, it was never a life I planned for. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for what has come to pass but it was through accident and compromise that I ended up here.

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a history of depression and anxiety. When you have depression your energy is pretty consumed with getting up, going to work, feeding yourself and trying to get through the day. There isn’t much energy, or even capacity, to think about the future. Depression stole quite a few years of my life in my twenties and some of my thirties.

Being on the other side means I have space to think about the future and what I want to do and I am very grateful that I hired a life coach to help me see that the world was full of possibility. That there was a person out there who I will find to be in relationship with, that I can follow a different career path and that I can open myself up to dreaming about the future.

I think the biggest shift has been letting myself dream. Becoming a life coach was something I dreamed of years ago and slowly but surely I put all the pieces into play. If you want a space to dream then contact me for a free coaching call. Not only will you have some time to dream, but we can work together to put that plan into action.