When you are forced to slow down

I’ve had a few moments in my life recently where the Universe has said, “oh hey, yeah you, it’s time to slow down.” Of course I ignored those messages until then I got slapped upside the head and I was kind of forced to stop.

A few months ago I had a pretty severe case of burnout. For me the burnout felt a little bit like depression with a smidge of PTSD disassociation thrown in. I’ve been dealing with that for a huge chunk of my life and so I went off to my therapist to figure out what unresolved issue had reared its ugly head only to find out that my issue was current. I was burnt out. All my stress hormones were over firing and my body was calling for a time out.

When I was burnt out I couldn’t even read a book because there was too much spinning in my brain. I was really short with people, which I hated because that isn’t who I am. I was making a lot of little mistakes (I also was doing two jobs at the time, which lead to the burnout!), but I couldn’t focus long enough on one task to get it done right.

Of course I ignored the problem, until I couldn’t any longer. The main antidote for burnout is rest. A lot of rest. Slowly my mind and body started functioning again. Gradually I could read a book without the words blurring on the page because my mind wasn’t able to process them. The biggest shift was I started feeling like myself again. I felt optimism and laughter creep back in. My ability to interact with people shifted and I wasn’t reacting to everyone with anger.

Other things started to shift and I was able to pick up sewing again because my brain could finally figure out how to put the pattern pieces together. While in burnout I couldn’t process information. Lin-Manual perfectly exemplifies this in the video below!

I had to slow things way down in order to regain focus, clarity, energy, optimism, joy, laughter and so many other things.

What I wish I had done differently was pump the breaks sooner. I had been running on empty for a couple of years and then when more was expected of me, I had nothing to give and burnt myself out. I should have set boundaries with work. Do you know how many studies are out there that show if you are well rested your productivity increases? So many! Yet, we all believe that if we just put in more hours we’ll get it done. It doesn’t work that way because we are human beings with human bodies and not machines.

I wish I would have prioritized taking care of myself. For me that includes daily movement, journaling and a bit of crafting. Crafting is my form of meditation. Another thing all of the studies say is super good for you, yeah, meditating. I really should have been doing that.

If you need help prioritizing yourself and setting boundaries, then sign up for a free coaching call. I’d love to chat with you about how coaching can help you find your way back from burnout and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Take Care of Yourself by Caring for something else

That little creature right there kind of saved me. In the early days of the pandemic when we weren’t sure how Covid-19 was transmitted and everything shut down I was very isolated. I remember one time going for a walk with a friend and craving contact and I made her stand with her back to me on a snowy street corner just to have a connection with someone.

I had been debating getting a bunny for many years, but they are a serious commitment. Two months into the pandemic Sweetie came home with me from Red Door Animal Shelter in Chicago. I asked to meet the bunny who had been there the longest and poor Sweetie had been adopted but due to Covid the adoption fell through. She was nine months old and not the cuddliest but she needed a home. So, I guess we saved each other.

While providing companionship was the main reason I got Sweetie, what I didn’t realize was that having something to care for took a lot of my attention (and anxiety) off of myself. Feeding her, making sure she had things to play with and chew on (that wasn’t my furniture), finding out her favorite places to sleep and making them comfy, keeping an eye on her if she had a stomach ache (bunnies get GI stasis, which can lead to death), and getting her to trust me meant focusing on something that wasn’t my own feeling of isolation and sadness.

I became slightly obsessed with her, I mean how could you not, look at that face! She became more comfortable with me and we found our daily routine, which involved her sitting in the chair next to me while I work and occasionally demanding to be pet, or hopping up on the table and showing up in zoom meetings. Our evenings involved treats and cuddles and she would hang out with me watching tv.

Having Sweetie in my life has been a delight. Having something to care helped my mental health so much. Plants also helped. Caring for them, making sure they were watered, or in my case, not overwatered put the emphasis on growing and taking care of something else. I think there is a reason we saw a proliferation of plants in everyone’s life and on instagram. It was a way to nurture for something when we were in need of nurturing.

Bringing a pet into your home is a huge commitment. Bunnies are super cute, but also super destructive. Plus their insurance costs more, they need grooming, lots of hay and greens, and toys to keep them engaged. Seeing all those pets returned to shelters or released in the wild has been heartbreaking. If a pet is too much of a commitment, then may I recommend a plant.

Should you see a therapist or a life coach

I had someone ask me this question the other day-Should I see a therapist or a life coach? First off, it is disclaimer time and I am not a therapist, but I have spent a good chunk of my life in therapy. I 100% believe in therapy and anti-depressants or whatever medication is needed to get one through life. I have at different points in my life been in therapy, or seen a life coach and at one point I was seeing both.

At its most simplified, therapy generally focuses on the past and life coaching is about setting future goals. Therapy is focused on your mental health and healing and life coaching is focused on helping you get clear on what you want in order to help you grow and succeed.

I have at times in my life suffered from PTSD, depression and anxiety. I thank therapy for helping me heal from the PTSD (especially EMDR) and the depression/anxiety combo. I still have to manage my depression and keep an eye on it, but it isn’t something I worry about on a daily basis. FYI most people who have just met me don’t know this about me. That is because I have done the work and I have had some amazing therapists in my life who have worked with me and given me the tools to live my life to my fullest.

On the flip side when you are juggling all of these things it doesn’t give you much time to think about the future or what you want to do with your life. That is when I turned to life coaching. I learned so much more about how my brain impacts how I am feeling and how I view the future and gave me the tools to change those negative thoughts. It gave me the space and opportunity to dream, refine those dreams and set goals to accomplish them. In fact that coaching is what lead me to becoming a life coach.

If you have unresolved trauma, are depressed and actively struggling with your day to day then I would say go see a therapist. If you aren’t sure, which one would be right for you, I would again say, go see a therapist.

If you are feeling a little adrift, unsure what you want to do with your life, career or relationship, have been through therapy but want to focus on your future plans, are feeling stuck or feeling unengaged in your life, then I’d say a life coach would be a great fit.

Coaching is a much more collaborative process, while in therapy the therapist is the expert and will guide your treatment plan. Coaching focuses on the life that you want to create and therapy looks at what you need to resolve or fix. In some cases coaches and therapists work together to support a client. It depends on each individuals needs.

If after reading this, or doing some research on your own, you aren’t sure, then I would suggest reaching out to a therapist first. If you want to talk more about what life coaching can do for you, then feel free to sign up for a free one hour coaching consult. I’d love to talk more about coaching.

Should-Less Days

I listened to an interview with the actor Ellen Burstyn on the podcast Death, Sex and Money years ago and one thing she said has stuck with me. She has days “where there’s nothing I should do," or should-less days.

I talked a little bit on my instagram page about how I was in a bit of a funk last week. I hit the reset button on my journaling, vitamin taking and movement, which helped a ton. Except, I was still not 100% me when I hit the weekend. When Sunday rolled around I realized there really wasn’t any use fighting it and so I had a should-less day.

The ‘should’s reared their ugly head. I should clean the house, do yoga (I think Sweetie has the right idea!), get some sewing done, do some journaling, or just get off the couch. Instead I took a nap, read and watched a little too much tv. When Monday rolled around I was feeling like myself again.

I think sometimes fighting the funk (notice I said funk, not depression, because it is a very different thing) is futile. I’ll just take a day and roll around in those funk feelings like a pig in a pigpen. That may mean eating comfort food, staying in my pajamas all day and overindulging in mind numbing activities.

The key here is to give it a day. Let go of the ‘shoulds’ and embrace your should-less day. Then hit the reset button and return to your routine. Have you had a should-less day lately?

I’m not a morning person

There. I’ve said it. I am not a morning person, which if you know me, well you know. I probably see a couple of articles a week saying something like “8 things every person should do before 8 a.m.” or “5 morning habits of highly successful people”. Those were ripped from the headlines!

The world is set up for morning people. If you have to be at work by 8:30 am and have a 45 minute to 1 hour commute (which I had) that means I had to be up by 6:30 in the morning to get to work in time. It wasn’t pretty.

Let’s not forget that if you aren’t a morning person the implication is you aren’t a highly successful person. Do you want to know what 8 things I’ve gotten done before 8 am. Not much. Ask me how much stuff I got done between 10am and 6pm and I’ve got a super long list! I’m not so much a night owl, more of a mid morning/late afternoon bird.

The first thing I had to do was to let go of the idea that I was a failure because I wasn’t up at 5am saving the world. The next was to let go of the notion that I had to have a strict morning routine and hit the computer running first thing. I had a great talk with members of The Grove Community and found that a) I wasn’t the only one who didn’t do mornings and b) maybe I should embrace my meandering morning.

Now I wake up naturally without an alarm. My fatigue has significantly dropped because I’m embracing my natural rhythm and not having to hit snooze 10 ten times (not an exaggeration). I get up, shower, feed the bunny and get dressed. Then I make some coffee and try to remember to do my morning pages. I usually do some reading, research or writing first thing, instead of jumping on emails, because this fuels me. Finally I hop on the computer and do administrative tasks.

My mood has shifted and I feel so much more productive in the mornings. Embracing my natural routine has made me feel so much more rested and I’m starting my day doing the work that fills me up so I can shift to the administrative tasks. Letting go of the notion that you have to be a morning person with an insane list of things to do before 8am has made me a happier, healthier human being.

The importance of journaling

Every time I feel my mood slipping downwards into depression I have to check to see if I’m doing a few basic things.

1. Moving my body (this can be gentle movement)

2. Taking my vitamins

3. Journaling

I find that these are the non-negotiable things I have to do daily in order to keep me a functioning human being.

I can’t tell you how many times a therapist or a friend has suggested that I should be journaling and OMG I have so much resistance to it! So, I dug into that resistance and maybe you’ll resonate with some of these things.

• OMG I don’t want to have to feel this feeling

• The journal can sometimes be a little too truthful and I don’t like what I see

• I don’t have time (FYI I wrote a blogpost on this one)

• What if I die and someone reads them

• I get tired of having documentation of all my venting

Understanding what I was dealing with helped me talk myself off of the fear of journaling ledge. The reality is that I need to feel those feelings and I need to face my truth. Um, Dan if you are reading, if I die could you toss my journals (K thanks).

I went to a great class through Creative Mornings (highly recommend their Field Trips) and it was about Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way. If you haven’t read the book it has a lot of useful ways to get connected with your creativity. If you haven’t and want to jump in there are two things from the book that I’ve incorporated into my day-to-day: The Morning Pages and The Artists Date.

Morning Pages are a way to do a massive mind dump. You are supposed to write three pages every morning first thing. These are not precious words or words that you are going to save. They are meant to clear out the crap and emotions you are holding onto and get them out on the page. It then opens you up to be present and creative. And it works. Until it doesn’t, which is because you’ve stopped doing them.

Why did I stop doing them (and FYI this has happened multiple times throughout my life)? I am not a morning person. The idea of getting up and rushing to do my morning pages hurts my very being. I need to wake up, shower, get my day started and then I can dive into my morning pages. Although, sometimes my day gets away from me and it’s evening. That’s fine. I’m still getting all the muck out of my head. Julia Cameron does not believe this is an effective use of the morning pages, but I figure done is better than perfect.

Since the morning pages are not meant to be saved I just use a cheap composition notebook. Once this one is filled up, I’ll recyle it and get another. I actually use a different journal for my business and yet another journal for personal day dreaming and goal setting.

The other thing I will continue to do is the weekly artists date. I love setting aside some time on the weekend to indulge in play and creativity. I’ve done some weaving, gone to the Garfield Park Conservatory, sewn, and taken photos over the last couple of months of doing my dates.

So how do you incorporate journaling or the ‘morning’ pages in your life. First, what comes up for you? What is your resistance? Acknowledge it and work through it. If you don’t, then you aren’t going to move forward.

I’ve find there are two ways to incorporate something into your life and make it a habit. One is to make it part of your routine. Find the routine trigger that works for you. If you do your journaling in the morning it may be having a cup of coffee signals time to journal. If it’s the evening, maybe it’s lighting a candle to signal it’s time to write. The Second way to get something done is to schedule it and put it on your calendar. That way the time is set aside for you.

What are you waiting for? Go get journaling!

If you want to talk about how to incorporate journaling into your life then please schedule a free coaching consult with me.

What is a life Coach

I was talking with a client the other day and after a pretty big breakthrough, she said, “I didn’t know what to expect from coaching” and I realized that might be a good thing to explain! I view myself as a life facilitator. Someone who is by your side to help you sort out the complexities of life. And lately life feels super complex. Then we work through the challenges you may be facing and get you to a point where you are ready to move on and face the world on your own.

Life coaching starts with helping you find the pain points in your life. Areas in your life that you aren’t at living up to your own personal expectations. Some people come to me knowing where they need some help and some people come with a general feeling of being stuck.

If you aren’t sure what area you need some help with then we review the basics: health, relationships, romance, career finances, your environment, personal growth, and fun or recreation. Whichever one of those are sticky then we will hone in on, find the problem and work to remedy it.

It is a very collaborative process. My job is to help you reframe the narrative that you’ve been telling yourself into something positive and affirming. You already have the strength, courage and knowledge with you and it’s my job to bring those things to the forefront for you to move forward in your life.

Coaching can also help hold you accountable to the changes you want to make in your life. I then give you the tools to become accountable to yourself and keep moving forward.

Basically, if you are stuck in the mud, my job is to help you find the ladder out and into the world. I might help you get cleaned up first!

If you are interested in exploring coaching then please sign up for a free coaching consult.

You can also sign up below for my newsletter and receive a free webinar and worksheet to help you get engaged in your life. This is great if you are feeling a little stuck and need a nudge forward.

Engaged

You may have seen an article that made its way through the interwebs last year about Languishing. It described so well what many of us have been feeling. It’s not a full on depression, but it is also a lack of interest in life. I would say that there have been many points in my life where i have languished but the pandemic has definitely accelerated the problem. The antidote to languishing is ‘flow’. Flow is basically when you become lost in the doing of something and you lose all sense of time. There’s a whole book on it called Flow: The Psychology of Optimization if you are interested in reading more. If you want a great summary of Adam Grant’s antidote here you go.

I get lost in ‘flow’ when I read a really good book, when I crochet, weave or sew, when I am learning something new like a language or playing guitar (Although some people find learning something new to knock them out of flow, but learning new things is kind of written into my DNA.), and when I’m baking. Even writing this blog post gets me in ‘flow’. Basically anything that keeps my hands or brain lost in the moment. There’s a reason why doing puzzles swept the nation during the pandemic. It was a way to be in flow and sometimes be in community. I work with a coach who when she heard I was struggling said, “Have you been crafting?”. Um, no. No I had not and it was having a real impact on how I was feeling. So, I have to do something daily that engages me and usually that is some crocheting or weaving. Things that are small and don’t require a lot of space, unlike sewing. Sigh.

What if you don’t know what lights you up or keeps you engaged. Well, here’s a list to get you started. I’ve broken it up in four different groups based on how you are feeling. If you want to be active, then check out ‘Move’, but if you need something quiet to do, or your energy is low, pick something from ‘Think’ or ‘Create’. Another way to get engaged and connected is being in community, so there is a ‘Social’ section just for that. It may take trying out things before you find what helps you get lost in flow. In fact I took pottery classes for over a year, which I loved, but it made me realize that my true love was textiles. It helped me return to sewing and crafting.

Do you have anything you would add to the list? Please drop me a comment. Let me know if you find something that intrigues you and if you need help finding an activity or hobby, then sign up for a free call and we can talk through some options.

Engaging Activities- The antidote to languishing

Move-

High activity Sports:

Rugby

Soccer

Football

Dodgeball

Kickball

Running

Biking

Moving and Grooving

Table tennis

Badminton

Gymnastics

Ice skating

Yoga

Dancing

Bowling

Outdoor

Hiking

Foraging

Gardening

Biking

Rock Climbing

Glamping

Birding

Think

Games

Cosplay

Poker

Board games

Chess

Collecting

Plants

Antiques

Books

Art

Chairs (I have a chair problem!)

Quiet activities

Reading

Writing

Meditating

Photography

Puzzles

Blogging

Learn a language

Book Club

Geneaology

Sudoku

Create

Arts and Crafts

Painting

Watercolor

Drawing

Weaving

Crochet

Knitting

Scrapbooking

Pottery

Jewelry making

Sewing

Woodworking

Social

Circle back to some of those sports

Food and drink

Cooking and baking and sharing your knowledge (mmm)

Cocktails

Brewing

Wine, Beer or Cheese club

Other

Storytelling

Improv

Stitch and Bitch

thoughts on time

I have been doing a lot of reading lately, which is actually not abnormal, but most of the books have centered around burnout, busyness, overwhelm, strategic thinking and hibernating. I request books from my library a lot and you never quite know when a book is going to show up, especially if there are people waiting. So the fact that all of these books showed up at the same time made me think-ok Universe, I hear you.

One thing I struggle with is that our identities are tied to our jobs. When you introduce yourself it is usually your name and your job. I’d love to introduce myself as an empath, a reader, a crafter, a coach, a person slightly obsessed with Ray and Charles Eames, but instead I give my job as my identity. When our job is our identity we don’t leave space for all the other very important things, like family/family of choice, friends, cooking, reading, playing the ukulele, writing stories, going for hikes, or all the innumerable things that make up who we are.

On top of that our second identity is tied to how busy we are. We are all trying to out busy each other. Why? Status is now tied to busyness.

All of this to say that we do have time. Years ago I banned the word busy from my vocabulary because I realized I was using it as an excuse. Either an excuse to a friend who I didn’t really feel like spending time with, or an excuse to myself because I was afraid to do something like taking a pottery class or a comedy class. What happened was I became less busy. I still had stress, don’t get me wrong, but my lack of time was due to how I was choosing to spend my time.

What if you were to carve out fifteen minutes for yourself each day? What would you do? What if you could expand that time to fit thirty minutes and then an hour. What could you do just for yourself?

Here are some books that have really influenced how I use my time:

• 168 hours: You Have More Time That You Think by Laura Vanderkamp

• Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing and Underliving by Celeste Headlee

• Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May

If you have any favorite books or resources, please drop them in the comments.